Eating alone
in the dining hall
A few days ago, my friend invited me to the dining hall along with his friend. He had invited me the week prior but I politely declined since I already had plans to cook the turkey meat that’s been thawing in my fridge for the past 3 days. But, I decided to yes, since declining 2x in a row wouldn’t have helped me get to know him or his friend better.
The three of us arrived at a dorm called “Pio“ and it has a large dining hall on the first floor. I’ve had been to Pio a few times “Pior” during Welcome Week and throughout the school year with other friends who had extra dining passes, very grateful and always down for free food… Before continuing this story, I want to share a little background; I’ve have always wanted to live in a dorm. To this day, having a loft or a small room with a nice work desk is still a dream. Getting to meet people on the same floor and walking around campus exploring is something I use to ideate about. Though, I never got to experience this because I went to community college for 2 years right after high school (story for another time) and lived at home… Back to being in the dining hall, it gave me a tiny glimpse of the freshman dorm life, it was cheerful and it was packed with people. Students were chatting and it felt very college-like. I did feel a bit out of place though since i’m a current junior (senior by age) and the majority of students at the dining hall were freshman / sophomores.
The selection they had for that day were decently good and I was able to bring a tray of hamburgers & fries, few scraps of broccoli & zucchini (we were relatively late to dinner), small plate of fried rice & sesame chicken, ~5 deep-fried shrimp with cajun spice + more fries covered in cheese, a banana, and a custom made pasta plate: pesto, salmon, & some sprinkles of seasoning. It was honestly one of the best meals I’ve had in a long time, or I just associate good with being super full, and when we finished I packed the unfinished food I had and snagged some ice cream + more bananas on our way out.
Something bothered we though when we were eating, I noticed a few students were eating by themselves and I didn’t think much of it at the time, since it’s pretty normal to eat alone as I’ve also ate alone during parts of middle school & high school. And, also it could’ve been that their friends were busy or have different school schedules so they can’t eat together all the time, etc…
I would’ve invited some of them to the table, but my priorities at the time were simply getting to know the friend I was with and his friend + stuffing down the food in front of me…
unrelated but i came across this drawing from the 1930s? while trying to find a good photo of pio: source
Present Day. While I was eating lunch in my room, the memory of people eating alone came up again and I thought it was pretty admirable. I don’t think I would have been able to do that (or if I did, I would’ve been really uncomfortable). But, I realized how normal eating alone is as 95% of my meals after moving out out of the house were by myself. Nowadays though, it’s gone down to 85% by myself, 10% with my partner (which I’m really grateful for), and 5% occasionally with friends, which are once in a blue moon.
The norm of eating alone may seem hard to believe especially in dining halls, since we’re surrounded by people with their friend groups, but if we just look outside of dining halls, a bunch of people eat alone. Whether it’s in bathroom stalls, cars, or at a desk, it’s more often than eating with people (at least in the US).
Again, if this was me I’d be super uncomfortable and after sometime of eating alone in the dining hall, would go around asking to sit with a stranger (maybe even during the first day). Even though I am a bit introverted, I don’t like the fact of being alone all the time. Which makes sense for me to go up to someone and ask if I could join. them, especially if they’re already sitting by themself. Asking a group on the other hand would be less likely, since more people makes it a lot more intimidating, but overtime I may work up the courage to ask a group.
To be fair, the worst thing someone can say is no, or they get up and leave early. I don’t think it hurts to go up to someone and ask to eat with them, especially if they’re already alone. I’m sure they too would be thrilled to have someone to sit with and eat breakfast, lunch, or dinner.
There’s this quote from Tony Lip in the movie Green Book (10/10 btw if you’re ever looking for a movie to watch) that goes, “The world’s full of lonely people afraid to make the first move“.
Though, the context of this quote is about “people who want to apologize / are holding onto grudges”, so not really the same as what I’m writing about but I think it still applies.
if you’re interested: it’s about 2 people who don’t get along, 1 black 1 Italian, and they travel to the deep south ~1962. The two men develop a bond throughout the movie, and the genre is Tragic-comedy/Music. It’s a great watch and I highly recommend if you’re looking for a movie to watch. btw this is based on a true story.
sidenote: before searching this quote up, I was convinced that I had seen it on an instagram bio, but after googling I realized it was from this movie and that I was wrong (tbh I still think I remember it from an instagram bio, because that’s when I thought the quote had finally clicked).
All this to say:
Go up to someone eating alone and say hi. (try to follow cues if they feel uncomfortable)
Ask if you can join them, smile if you want
introduce yourself after you’ve settled down: ask what their name is and how they’re doing
What’s their major & year? very very basic but it gets the convo going, small steps in convos, and no worries if there are moments of silence.
ask about their hobbies, (try not to interrupt when they’re talking, maybe you can idk, just be you)
don’t forget to also provide your information, even if they don’t reciprocate. Don’t want this to fee like an interview, share generously about yourself too.
Also, if they don’t ask any follow up questions or there’s a moment of silence, repeat what they said last or what you found interesting, or just talk about your hobbies, again if they truly are not interested then just sit in silence and eat quietly next to each other ;(
A lot of good convos are from topics that you’re genuinely interested in, so for example if they say they’re into crypto. Ask why they like it, how they got into it, what it is if you don’t know, and other fun things.
Ask what they want to do after graduation, how their classes are, any fun stories from class, where they come from, their family, etc…
Again make sure to reciprocate / share about yourself so it doesn’t feel like they’re being interviewed.
If you’re with a group of friends that you feel comfortable in speaking out with, reach out to someone that’s by themself and ask them to join you all.
Lastly, eating alone is really common but having someone else on the dinner table is also really nice.
Actually, now that we’re on the topic on communication here’s another quote or saying that I want to bring up. I don’t fully remember what it was but it goes something like, awkwardness happens because the people involved in it are choosing to make it awkward. Just communicate! Ex: If you’re in a situation where it’s uncomfortable and everyone else knows that it’s uncomfortable, just say or ask a simple question that breaks the awkwardness. “How are you alls day?” Boom, communicating is as simple as that... We can either choose to stay quiet and make it more awkward or we can do something about it by just speaking up.
Bonus pt2: I do understand that everyone is different from me and that I have a different background, upbringing, support group, and more, and also that it’s not in everyone’s favor to make things less awkward, or in making everyone to feel included, or are okay with eating alone, therefore the advice is not applicable to all. But for those who do relate or gravitate to the idea of being less lonely, then I truly hope this writing sheds some perspective on what to do and why it should be done. Good communication isn’t a trait 99% of people are born with, rather it’s a trait that we learn to improve overtime, and it improves exponentially when the mindset on how we choose to communicate changes.
sources:
link #1 - https://acampusdivided.umn.edu/text/pioneer-hall-publicity-material/
Green Book - https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Green_Book_(film)
Reddit explanation - https://www.reddit.com/r/quotes/comments/b371dh/comment/k5pxyeo/?utm_source=share&utm_medium=web3x&utm_name=web3xcss&utm_term=1